So
I've been teaching about the solar system and the universe and
whatnot.  Which made me once again realize the smallness of
me.  It's so bizzare how something so small and tiny and
insignificant as me could be so complicated.  It's mind
boggling.  If humans being as small and insignificant as they are
could be so extremely complicated, then so must everything else be. 

Talking to a friend of mine made me think of an old relationship.



The only relationship that really ever worked for me.  The best
one yet.  The one in which I actually loved (for lack of a better
word to describe how I felt about this person) the person I was with it.



The parameters of this relationship were very different.  There
were no expectations, there were no obligations and there was only one
compromise.  One from each of us. 

The lack of expectation, obligation and compromise were what made the
relationship work -- for both of us.  It worked relatively well
for about  3 years.  However, it was also the reason it
didn't work, because without those things there could be no long term,
however with it, what kind of long term would there have been? 



This is where my quandary comes in.  Where is the line?  The
line that says this compromise is ok, and this one is too much. 
How many little compromises can you make before it leads to
resentment.  Should you have to make compromises?  Give up
things you want for another?  What if they do it for you? 
Does that make you obligated to do it for them?  Doesn't that lead
to resentment in the end?  Do you have the right to be resentful,
if you're consciously giving up something you don't want to give
up?  Obligation makes life messy.  Is there any such thing as
giving up something you really want because you want to be with someone
more?  Is it that person's responsibility to say, hey you're
crazy, you really want that, go get it?  If they really loved you
wouldn't they say that?  Are you then just testing them by
offering to give it up?  Are you genuinely giving it up if you're
expecting them to let you have it because they love you too? 
Should you really have to give up these things?  Maybe this person
just isn't right for you, despite how you feel about them. 
Despite the fact that living without them is the worst fate you could
imagine.  Even though you feel like you'd be miserable without
them, wouldn't you be at least equally tortured being with them? 
This beautiful person that you love everything about.  You start
to wonder why can't you just be happy with the way things are, but you
know you can't.



Next quandary, is there a
person out there that you can love everything about, that won't cause
compromise, obligation, and expectations you can't fulfill.  Can
you love this person in return?  Or is life so cruel as to give
you the most beautiful thing in the world knowing that it can't work
out just to keep you guessing.  Just to keep you always wondering,
did i make the right decision?

So, lately, I've been questioning every aspect of my life.  Lots
and lots of questions.  Floating around.  What am I
doing?  Why am I doing it?  Probably most importantly, what
am I going to be doing for the rest of my life? 
When I was in highschool it was a very simple the plan was
1.  To graduate college
2.  To get a job
3.  To get married
4.  To have kids.

Life was simple.  Those 4 things would have taken me well into my 40's. 
Snag. 
Goal one and two are acomplished.
Goals 3 and 4 no longer want to be accomplished (especially number 4). 
This leaves me goal-less. 
In one year I'll be done with grad-school
In two I'll have tenure (as long as things continue on their way). 
Thereby leaving me goal-less in 2 years time. 
So the question is what do I do now?
And honestly, I simply don't know. 
I mean go to school and get a job is simply part of life.  Getting
married and having children was implanted into my brain as a
child.  Now that it's out of my brain, I don't know what to
do. 
There's nothing I'm "supposed" to do.  Thank goodness for that, but my life has been full of
have to's.  So I'm at a loss.

It's Peanut butter Jelly Time!!!

My little bro made him for me!  He's super cool.  I think we're going to make a video. 

Maybe, just maybe this positivity stuff is going to make life better. It was a really good day.  My math lesson went just wonderfully, and the rest of the day I didn't have to teach due to other events.  I made one of my favorite students smile because I told him he earned an A in math.  I was able to work with a small group of math students and really give them the information and time they needed.  I still have racquetball to look forward to.  It ended up being a really good day even though I wasn't feeling it this morning.  I can even say, I like my job today.  I'm glad to be a teacher.  It's nice. 

In the spirit of positivity:  Today is going to be a GRRRRREAT day!  Or maybe that's in the spirit of Tony the Tiger.  I'm not sure.  Anyway, I'm going to try to make it a good day.  Recently I was told I'm too negative.  So here's my attempt.  (As the thought creeps into my head today's not a good day to do this, I'm tired and not feeling well but I'm pushing those thoughts right out of my head).

Something to look foward to: rackettball at 5pm. 

So I did a terrible thing today.  Well I did a series of terrible things today
starting with watching two (not just one but two) movies.  Now how terrible could two movies be?  Well they can be rather terrible, especially
when you’re a single girl and it’s Friday night and they’re both sappy chick
flicks.   Not the kind that make you want
to cry, just the kind that make you hate being single.

 The first one I watched was “Must Love Dogs” which made me
re-fall-in-love with John Cusack.  I’ve
always thought that out of all the men in film, even the best looking the only
one I’d really be interested in dating would be John Cusack. 

Favorite Quotes from the movie: 

 1.  Oh Charlie, you
should have seen this girl.  She’s
shy.  She’s fragile.  She’s self-conscious.  She has no idea how beautiful she is and
she’s a mess.  It’s fantastic.  It didn’t end up great, but there were
moments in there, moments where we were completely and utterly ourselves.  I mean I was completely psychotic but she was
really lovely. 

 2.  It’s different for
me.  I’ve had the love of my life and no
one else could ever touch that no one can come close.  So I’m just out there passing the time tap
dancing if you want the truth.  Maybe if
I dance fast enough I won’t remember what I’ve lost. 

 The other one was Love Actually.  Which was kind of a horrible, however it got
me thinking.  Or maybe I was already
thinking about being miserable.  Yea, I
think the misery set in before the movies. Either way.  I’m totally miserable right now and Jerry
Maguire is on TV.

Small

When I was small. I was really small.
I wasn't allowed to be tall.
I was taught to hide.
I was taught to be quiet.
I was taught to agree.

Small

I was small. 
The older I got, the smaller I became.
I got good at being small,
Small and quiet.

I was so good at being
small and quiet
that by highschool
I was
Invisible.

Eventually I got so good at being invisible
I couldn't see myself.
Invisible and lost.

Today:
Woke up at 8, ate breakfast.  Made an appointment to take my mother to the doctor. Went to the gym for 15 minutes stretched and walked.  Went home.

9:30  Began clearing desk.  Filled out Social Security info for my mom.  Someone in the paper making industry paid someone to change all medicare/medicaid rules so that tons and tons of papers would be sent to people.  "Lets kill a tree today." That should be the new slogan of the Social Services Administration.  It sucks and it leaves me with tons of CRAP to read through. 
10:20 Desk is looking better.  Now filling out forms to reinstate my little brothers insurance for another year.
10:50  Filling out more insurance papers for my mother.  These benefits are for people with low income and people with disabilities.  If my mother had no family, she'd be incapable of doing this paper work b/c she is legally blind and can not see to read.  What's the deal with all the paper that makes NO SENSE!  I'm very frustrated right now.  Ugh.  I have to get ready to take her to the doctor. 

11:15 Leave for post office and doctor.  This will take a good chunk out of my day because most doctors don't accept medicaid and since she's disabled she receives both medicaid and medicare, but she can not use her medicare insurance which would give her a larger range of doctors.  She must use her medicaid benefits to see a doctor.  Which leaves me with VERY FEW choices of doctors for her.  I now have a 1/2 hour drive to the doctor and 1/2 hour back.  Let me ask, how is a disabled woman, who can't drive, supposed to get to a doctor 1/2 hour car ride away?  I could send her on medical transport, but last time I did that she had to wait an hour after her appointment for her ride back home.  Of course she called me at work to cry and yell at me that day, because all this is my fault.  But smile life is good and the desk is almost clear. 

1:00 Got home, made a card for the mailman, put my dunkin donuts gift certificates in it.    So sad to see those go, but I had no money to put in...  Ate lunch.

1:30  Getting back to work on the desk.  Making some phone calls to stupid people. 

2:00 going to drop off prescription at the pharmacy, run a few errands and then pick it up. 

3:00  I'm so stressed.  I'm going to go drink hot chocolate and do nothing for a while.

I had the
strangest dream last night.  I was marrying this man (I have no idea who
he is in real life).  I was working on
the day of my wedding.  So the time comes and I must be on prep or
something b/c there's no kids in my classroom.  I'm all dressed in white;
however it's not a wedding gown, but a simple white skirt with a white
shirt.  Looking back there wasn't much thought put into that outfit. 
Anyway, my hair is done nicely, but at this point in the day it's becoming
messy and I'm running late so I can't fix it. 

I walk into
another classroom, which is no longer a classroom, but a small room with my
groom and his family sitting around a circular table discussing the
wedding plans.  There is some sort of argument about the plans between the
two of us and his family.  I’m all alone
defending my point against him and his whole family.  So it's me against
them and of course my family is not even in the dream. I assert that it's my
wedding and it will be done my way, and they're angry but the leave the room to
go get ready.  I leave as well and continue down the hallway of my school
to the place I'm supposed to be getting married in.  I meet my assistant
principal along the way, who smiles and congratulates me and continues about
his business. 

Strangely, I have
to walk through a Kindergarten classroom to get to where my wedding is being
held.  When I walk into the room, I start crying about how I don't want to
marry this man.  I desperately need
someone to talk to about this but the teacher doesn’t give me any comfort.  She looks up from her lesson (her kids are
all sitting on the carpet in her classroom listening to her, like I’m not even
there).  She tells me I'll be fine and to just go ahead and goes right
back to teaching.  I begin to walk into the room where I'm supposed to get
married.  The room is shaped like a 7 and I'm walking up the spine of the
7.  My students are standing down the sides of the hallway to watch the wedding;
however, I can tell already that they won't be able to see me.  There are
no chairs for them and they're all standing.  Tears are still streaming
down my face, but for their sake I try to smile and pretend I'm happy. 
There's no music playing so I stop and clear my throat and someone starts the
music for the bride.  I am musically challenged and can't walk in time to
the music.  There is no one to walk with me.  I'm walking all
alone.  None of my friends or family are in the audience expect for my students. 

I become more and
more fearful with every step I take.  When I get to the top of the
hallway, I stop to make my turn.  All the groom’s family are there
but they're standing in the middle of the room (where I'm supposed to be
standing to get married)  I can't see my groom and I soon realize this is
because I wouldn’t be able to recognize him if we were the only two people in
the room.  I begin to panic.  I have
no idea who this man is I'm supposed to be marrying.  I'm in a room full
of strangers and I'm all alone.  I mention to the people there that I'm
the bride and should be the only person standing here, they look annoyed at me
but sit on the surrounding couches.  Apparently, I'm getting married in
this man's living room. 

I become more and
more angry at my groom and his family who promised me they would take care of
all this and I would have a beautiful wedding.  The preacher is seated on
one of the couches, and does not even stand up to begin services.  He
begins speaking, but is saying the wrong words.  I correct him and he
stands up and asks for his book.  I knew since before I started this walk
that I did not want to marry this man.  I'm faced with the decision of
turning and walking out of the room and of the wedding or standing there and
going through with what I know would be the biggest mistake of my life.  I
feel pressured because all my students are standing behind me.  I'm
worried about what all these people are going to say about me.  However, I
cannot go through with the ceremony.  I state my disgust at the way the
groom and his family have treated me and how they arranged this wedding. 
I state my anger at the preacher for not standing during the ceremony and not
being prepared with the correct words.  I turn and I being my walk out of
the room feeling just as alone as I did when I entered the room but a little
more empowered.  Still crying I start leaving, only to wake up alone in my
bed.